Talk it out

I used to subscribe to the thought that some things are better left unsaid. It was worn like a comfortable jacket. If I encountered a dispute, instead of saying what I wanted to say or expressing my opposition, I would just slip on the jacket of silence. It was easier to suppress those feelings than to hurt someone else or get into an argument. Right?

Girls are taught from a young age that it's rude to argue. Nice girls keep their heads down and stay out of trouble. Women can't be leaders. It's not natural. It's against God's plan. I was told at a young age that I couldn't become president of our country. Women don't lead men. Women can only lead other women. Men are the natural leaders that God has selected and women are to be silent partners; lead by their [male] spouses and submissive to their guidance. After all, Adam knows best. But, I digress...

It took years after being grown and married to realize that my emotions are my own. My thoughts are meant to be shared. It's perfectly normal and natural to feel. If I am angry, I can vent to someone. Better yet, I can actually walk up to the person I have issues with and explain to him that he has made me angry and why! What a concept. And you know what? Most of the time, just doing that - talking - fixes the problem (Whoa).

I can also be happy and proud of who I am. If I accomplish something - small or great - it's ok to be proud of it. I no longer have qualms about sharing my accomplishments or the goals I've met. I also have come to realize that I can't rely on someone else to make me feel happy. I create my own happiness. It comes from within and from without. I have to focus on what makes me happy and go after it. Nothing can stand in my way but me. That said, I no longer allow anyone to downplay my happiness or to tell me that sharing it is in any way harmful to them or to someone else. No. My accomplishments are about me. They don't say anything about you, unless you're directly involved.

Some things are better left spoken.

I disagree with your point.

I have something great happening in my life.
I am frustrated. Hurt. Sad.
I am concerned. Excited. Overwhelmed.
I am bisexual. Gay. Questioning.
I'm not that person you think I am.

Hang up that jacket. Hang it up for good. It's good to talk about things you're going through. It's cathartic. It's therapeutic. It's wonderful. And if more people would feel comfortable talking about the good and the bad in their lives, I'm convinced there would be fewer suicides in this world. I'm convinced that mankind would be nicer as a whole. Bullies might become something of the past. Depression would become a distant illness.

Of course, in order for the whole talking thing to work out, we need someone who's willing to listen.

"Do Your Research"

Ah, the vaccines vs autism argument. I wish I could leave it alone, but I can't. Some people will continue to believe what they want to believe, no matter what evidence they are shown to the contrary.

Today, I overheard as a first-time dad was told by a stranger that he needed to "watch out for that MMR vaccine" with his newborn. I looked over at the guy and said nonchalantly, "Nah, you're ok. Get the vaccine." Apparently the antivaxxer didn't like that much. She proceeded to tell him that he needed to do his "research" (because she's obviously done hers) and that it affects about one in fifty. "Actually," I informed her, "Studies have shown that autism may be linked to other factors (such as gut bacteria). There's no real evidence to prove that the MMR vaccine or any other vaccines cause autism." She went back and forth with me a bit, as I countered each of her points calmly and with a smile, then turned to the new dad and warned him once again to do his own research, to which he responded, "I'm pretty sure my wife has done all of the research she can." I can only hope that by that he meant, So we're going to guard our kid against these fatal diseases, thank you very much. 

A friend of mine put it perfectly when she said, "Even if I didn't know better, I'd rather take my chances with vaccines causing autism than to have my kid die of polio. Autism I can handle. A dead child, not so much." So many parents fail to realize how terrible these diseases of the not-so-distant past really were. With the rise of misinformation and scare tactics, we're starting to see once eradicated diseases making a comeback in the U.S. Measles, mumps, and rubella are nothing to laugh at. They are serious diseases with serious consequences. As are polio, diphtheria, and the like. It's true that some of these illnesses are treatable, but the chances for serious complication or death is too great and the victims suffer through awful symptoms. Why anyone would risk contracting any of these is beyond me. I certainly couldn't fathom watching my child suffer through them.

We need to continue to vaccinate our children for sake of herd immunity. Infants, chemotherapy patients, and others with weak immune systems need the safety of herd immunity since their bodies cannot fight illness as easily as ours can.

If you are reading this and you still aren't convinced, please, do your own research. Read results from reliable sources and then determine your stance on this issue. In fact, here are a few to get you started:

Autism Speaks
Center for Disease Control and Prevention
Autism Science Foundation

It Gets Better

I used to be that mom. The one in denial. The mom that looked at other moms with contempt and whispered, "Do you see her? Seriously, what is she thinking?" I couldn't see that she was me. I didn't want to believe that her struggles were the same as mine. The truth is, we've all been "there" at one point or another as parents. I say "parents" because moms aren't the only ones who have a hard time. Dads don't often get the credit they deserve for putting up with the amount of crap they do.

My kids are older now. Old enough to know better. Old enough to not throw tantrums anymore. Old enough to pour their own cereal and tie their own shoes. My kids are not perfect, oh no. Not by any means. But they are no longer the toddlers they once were.

I saw myself the other day in the checkout line. T-shirt and dirty jeans. Hair in a messy half-up, half-fallen down pony. Exhausted but still smiling. She had one child riding in the cart and the other "helping" her push the cart. The older one was whining, "Pleeeeease, Mommy! Can I have...?" The toddler in the basket was crying, blankie in hand, sippy cup on the floor. And I thought, Hang in there, Momma. It gets better.
Then I heard it: the not-so-quiet whisper.

-"Someone can't control her kids."
-"Mmhmm. Wonder where their daddy is?"
-"I dunno, but those kids need a firm hand, that's for sure."

Mmm.

Wow.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same lines over and over. Older generations, younger generations. Everyone does it. Everyone knows the "best" way to care for a child, discipline a child, soothe a child. What we fail to recognize is how different each child can be. What works for yours might not work for mine and vice versa. If you have children, you know how exhausting life can be when you're at wit's end and down to your last package of diapers. Does anyone want to go shopping with a young child in tow? Lord, no. But it becomes a necessary evil in those moments. So, we drag ourselves away from the piles of laundry and hunt down our car keys, then rush to the store, thinking, We'll only be a few minutes. I just need to pick up some x, y, z. And we almost always end up at home afterwards, collapsing onto the couch after carefully setting down the sleeping baby in the car seat, and remember, Crap. We're nearly out of baby wipes. 

So I walked over to the mom in the checkout line, handed her the dropped sippy cup, smiled and said, "What beautiful kids! You're doing a great job. Keep it up." She mouthed a thank-you, and smiled back as if my non-judgment meant the world to her. 

It's Been Awhile

It's been a few years since my last blog post. So many things have changed, yet so many things have stayed the same. It's been a wild and bumpy ride to where we are, but I'm loving my life and finally feel like writing again.  In the past few years, we've moved, changed our views on lots of things, and grown physically and psychologically. I'm working for the first time since we've been married, Hubbs is working less, and our kids are both in school. I'm so much more alive now than I was before. I am happier and more outgoing. I am less worried about things and more "let's see what happens!" So...? Let's see what happens! 

Ten things I've learned from my kids

My kids have taught me a lot about life and how to deal with certain situations. My guess is, even those of you without kids will enjoy these jewels of wisdom!

1. It's never too early for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Spill your drink on the table? No problem.. that's what straws are for.
3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Lose a sock in the McDonald's play place? Eh, at least we still have our shoes this time.
4. Adopt a new mantra: "Dirt washes off. Dirt washes off."
5. When life gives you lemons, hit them with a big green bat!
6. Be prepared for anything. (A few items I make sure to have in my purse at all times: pens, paper, band-aids, Hotwheels cars, small toys, gum or candy, hand sanitizer, tissues, coins... My purse is not my own.)
7. Coffee is a must for a tired Mom.
8. Coffee + two year olds, not so great.
9. When someone steals something from you, the best thing to do is scream your head off.
10. If all is quiet, either someone is asleep or someone is making a mess.

The Dirty Truth About Getting Clean

Bath time is always the same for a two year old.

It starts with the water (of course).
"That's not enough water!"
"It's too hot!"
"Now it's too cold!"

Next, the toys are added. As I'm tossing in the last few, I usually hear, "Where are the bubbles? Can I have bubbles?" Of course. Now that I've filled the tub to your specifications, you want bubbles. We're out of bubbles right now, Sweetie. Maybe next time, ok? Here. Have another toy.


After a few minutes of playtime, there's a splash or two and my jeans are wet. *Sigh.*

Mumbling something about keeping the water inside, I draw the curtains closed in hopes of minimizing the mess, which halfway works. It keeps the far half of the bathroom dry.

Then comes the most awful, terrifying, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! part:

The Washing.

Hair always comes first. I squeeze a small amount of shampoo onto his head. "NOOOO!!!!!" is the only sound audible for the next two minutes, as I chase him around the tub with my hands, scrubbing here and there whenever I catch him. But that's not the worst part.

Then we rinse.

I grab the nearest cup or empty squirt toy and fill it with water. He retaliates with a splash, but I'm quick! I shield with my left and squirt with my right, and - GOTCHA!


He screams.
"It's in my eye!
I need a towel!!
Hurry!
I need a towel for my eye!"

Oh my. Must hurry. The acidic water is going to eat through his eyes and into his brain (!). I know you can sense the worry I'm feeling.

After three or four rounds of this, it is now time to bathe my child. One might ask, "Why? What's the point? With all of the shampoo and water flying around, certainly the rest of him is clean!" But oh, no, my friend. I will not give in. I am going to win this battle! - Nay, this WAR!

More screaming ensues. Armed with a washcloth full of kids' body wash, I wrestle with my son until I grab an appendage - sometimes an arm, sometimes a leg - and scrub as quickly as I can, switching to a different appendage or body part faster than Superman can fly. YES! It's over. Of course, there's no real need to rinse due to all of the thrashing about in the tub.

He practices his "swimming" while I towel myself off.

I look at myself in the mirror. My bottom half is soaked and my top half looks as though I've just been through a windstorm. How glamorous.

I just love the feeling of wet jeans. Don't you?

Blurring the Lines Again

As we all know, last month was Black History month. It was also a month filled with learning for my kindergartener. She learned about several presidents, including our current one (and his dog). I am very proud that she's learning so much about our country and the people who have made this land great. But one thing concerns me.

Before February, my daughter was colorblind. I don't mean in the literal "she can't tell the difference between orange and green" colorblindness. I mean racially colorblind. She knew that people have different skin colors and we've taught her that everyone is unique. But we have never discussed race in our house. And hadn't planned on it.

One day my five year old came home and said, "Mom, I'm glad I'm white."

WHAT?!?!

Of course, this facilitated a (calm) discussion in which she proceeded to tell me that they learned about Martin Luther King, Jr and how he was shot "because he was black." She then told me that she looked around at the students in her class and "felt sorry for the black ones." I explained to her in the best way I could about the way things were and the way things are now. I also explained to her that it's ok to be proud of who you are, but that she needs to also realize that we are all equal, no matter if we are brown, black, blue, or green. She seemed to understand.

We've had a couple of conversations since, and each time I have reminded her about equality and loving others.

I just hope she continues to see everyone as equal. As things are right now, she still plays with all kids of all races, genders and abilities. Please let her continue this way of thinking all of her life, blurring the lines and breaking the social boundaries that have been set up by our predecessors. I would hate for her heart to be changed by the views of people she meets.